Today is one of those days where I wish I could just fade into the background. I am so aware of my flaws and my wrongs and how I hurt people. I lay in bed and just feel the hot tears roll down my cheeks. I know I’m no where near being the person I want to be, or the person I tell myself I need to be. I feel empty. I feel a need to go radio silent. Like the world would be a lot better if I just kept my mouth shut and head down. I feel that old familiar sneaking feeling of having no control, the same urges to cope. My brain wants so badly to just give in and feel some sort of relief. It’s hard to explain because most people would see that as attention seeking. I just want a break from the unmet expectations of others. To be able to cry and not feel guilty. Feeling alone in crowded rooms or around those that I love is heartbreaking. I wish I was normal or some sort of form of it. I’m hoping better days are ahead and that I’ll feel at peace someday. That one day I won’t hate who I am for what I’ve done or who I’ve disappointed.
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